Telling people This will be a tough conversation. Do it when it feels right, in words that make sense to you, and be open to the range of responses that you may get.
How you break the news You may be keen to speak to the people you love about your diagnosis, knowing they can give you support. Or you may dread the prospect, feeling guilty about burdening people with your problems. Here’s how to make a hard conversation just a little easier.
Right place, right time You don’t have to tell anyone straight away. Wait until the time is right for you, even if that’s some days after your diagnosis. Choose a place where you can both sit comfortably and where you can see each other’s faces. Start the conversation at a time when you’re not likely to be interrupted. Turn off the television or radio so there are no distractions.
Break it down Start by sharing a bit of information then stop and ask if it’s all making sense. When you’re ready, move on to the next bit of information. Sharing your news in stages helps the other person focus and process things. Try to avoid lengthy explanations about things the other person already understands. Ask the other person what they know, and then fill in the gaps.
Be straight Try to be as clear as possible about what you know and how you feel. Don’t be put off by the other person’s reaction. It’s important for them to understand how you feel and what you’re facing.
Listen to the silence The person you’re telling may not know how to respond, so they may say nothing at all. Don’t feel you have to talk to break the silence. But if you want the conversation to start moving again, ask them what thoughts are going through their mind.
Get a spokesperson You’ll probably want to share your news in a very personal way with those closest to you, but you may not want to have this same conversation over and over again with people in your wider circle. Ask one person or a few different people to pass the information on for you – they’ll probably be happy to be able to do something practical for you so soon.
How they take the news In the weeks and months ahead your friends and family will be the source of much comfort and a lot of really practical help. However, you could have some hitches along the way. Here are some ideas about what can happen and how to handle it.
Clamming up The people you love can be so worried about saying the right thing that they end up saying nothing at all for fear of getting it wrong. If they feel really anxious, they may even avoid you. If you want their support, let them know that you need them. It might seem unfair that you should have to do this extra work at a time when you have plenty of other challenges to deal with – but sometimes a signal from you is all it takes to change the situation.
Denial Sometimes people have such a fear of what’s going to happen, they go into denial. They cope by pretending nothing has changed. This can be very hard for you, especially if you were relying on that person for support. Sometimes they just need time to get used to the idea of you having cancer. Sometimes their denial is permanent. If that’s the case, you may have to look for support elsewhere.
Too chirpy Some of the people around you may think the best thing they can do is to keep positive. They may bring you lots of good news stories and present you with lots of upbeat information. However, you may be experiencing great sadness or deep fear. The truth is most of your friends and family members have never been in the position that you’re in now. They can’t be blamed for misunderstanding what it is you need from them. If they’re not a very close friend, the best approach might be to turn the conversation to something other than your cancer. If it’s someone whose support you really need, just be honest and help them understand what they can do to help.
Expert's insight: Annabel Pollard Handling a team of clinical psychologists at the Peter MacCallum Cancer Centre, Annabel Pollard recently completed a PhD in the area of cancer survivorship.
“Many people with cancer hate asking for help. They often tell me how proud they are of their independence. That might be a good strategy when you’re healthy, but sometimes it’s not the best strategy when you need help.
“Work out if your normal ways of coping are helpful in your new situation. Think of it this way – when first-time parents bring a new baby home from the hospital, their whole life is changed forever. Similarly, it will take you a while to adjust.
“The more open you can be, the more likely it is you can ask for support, if need be. People do struggle though. This could be a new experience, especially if you don’t normally ask for help. Sometimes we don’t know what to say in a new situation. It could take a while to psychologically process what’s going on before you start to talk about it with other people.
“Most people diagnosed with a serious illness generally have close family members or friends present or close by when they’re given the news. Telling friends and a wider circle of family is the next step for many. It can be tough. You might find yourself taking responsibility for how upsetting this news will be to family or friends which can flavour how you approach the task.
“Some will prefer to keep the news private, and you have to respect that. Other people manage it in innovative ways. You might decide to send out a group email with a weekly or monthly update. Acknowledge that you’re aware of everyone’s support, but you may not be able to respond to every inquiry. You could even designate a family friend or member to take the calls and be your point of contact. That’s important, especially if you will be having intensive or long-term treatment.”
More help
Cancer Council NSW www.cancercouncil.com.au/canceranswers Look at the answer to the question “How do I tell family friends” for ideas on who to tell, how to do it and what to expect in return. In particular, there is information on how to present the news to your children.
Now What www.nowwhat.org.au This website run by CanTeen has information for teenagers and young adults affected by cancer. For ideas on how young people can talk to their peers about their cancer, go to the website and follow the links to Dealing with stuff > Talking is tough!
Photo by Randy Larcombe
SCOTT AND CINDY PULLEN When 47-year-old Scott Pullen was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2009, his two children,Zoe and Jesse, were aged just nine and eight.
This posed a dilemma for Scott. Should he and his wife Cindy mention the ‘C word’ when delivering the news to the children?
“When we spoke to the family, we tended to sugar-coat the news in a way so that they didn’t needlessly worry. We also decided not to go into full details with the children – in fact, we actually didn’t say that I had cancer. I said that I was sick, there’s treatment that I needed to undertake, and I’d be off work for some time while I recovered from that. I’m pleased we took that approach.
“I emailed or telephoned everybody that I knew suggesting they get tested. We tried to be upbeat and positive, and present it to all family members and friends in that manner. It was a stressful time for the whole family as there was that uncertainty. Luckily, we got to the cancer early, and the prognosis is now good.”
Scott’s wife, Cindy, says that the time of the cancer diagnosis was “a bit of a blur”. But she clearly recalls the children’s reaction to Scott’s condition when he returned home from hospital after the operation to remove the cancer.
“Scott came out of surgery at 7 o’clock at night, and I had to pick him up from hospital at 8 o’clock the next morning. When the kids came home from school that day, he was in a lot of pain. They were quiet, but you could tell they were very scared. From then on, they started asking a lot more questions. School holidays were just about to start, so we had the chance to relax and talk about it more.
“We’ve just had a friend go through breast cancer, and the kids have seen her lose her hair. So if Scott’s diagnosis came now with them aged 11 and nine, I’d tell them it was cancer. But I’d also explain to them that Dad’s cancer was confined. It’s always better to be positive about these sorts of things.”