Personal relations Cancer doesn’t just affect the person who is sick. It impacts on everyone around them, too. And it can put a strain on even the healthiest relationships.
It's a team sport When someone has cancer, life changes for everyone. If you’re caring for someone with cancer, you may feel overwhelmed. You may find yourself with a much greater share of the responsibilities for things like earning an income, running a household and caring for dependants. If you’re the person with cancer, you may be giving up some of those responsibilities. It’s easy for one person to feel overwhelmed and the other to feel overlooked. The best tactic is to think as a team. Work together to decide what the priorities are, what sort of help you’ll need from family and friends and what approach you’ll be taking to work and money matters. That way both of you will feel looked after, and neither of you will feel taken for granted.
Keep on talking Remember, too, how useful talking can be. It can help you understand how you really feel. It can put things in perspective. It can be a comfort to you and your partner. Most importantly, talking will help you both to feel involved in what’s going on.
Keep on listening Talking can make a person feel calmer and more in control. You can make your partner feel a whole lot better just by listening. Don’t worry about silences: they give you both a chance to reflect on what’s been said. And if you’re anxious about what you should say in return, remember that touch is another way of expressing your feelings. Just holding your loved one’s hand is a way of saying “I understand”.
Getting past guilt It’s not unusual for someone with cancer to feel guilt about burdening their family with hardship. And it’s not unusual for those around them to feel a sense of shame about not rising to the challenge as well as they might have hoped. Sometimes talking to someone outside the relationship can help. Ask your care team to put you in touch with a social worker or counsellor, or look at “More help” for contact details.
Letting off steam There will be times when either you or your loved one will feel overwhelmingly sad or angry or scared. Don’t suppress those feelings: let them go. Accept that those feelings come with no blame attached, stand back and let it happen. There may be shouting. There may be tears. If it happens inside a calm, respectful, supportive environment, the release of pent-up emotions can be enormously beneficial.
Keeping things private When you’re focusing on keeping a relationship on track and making life as pleasant as possible for those around you, you can lose sight of your own personal thoughts and feelings. There’s a sense of being swamped. Some people find that keeping a journal or a blog is a good way of getting some clarity around their own point of view.
Expert's insight: Angela Controneo Finding ways to put cancer to one side and enjoy each other’s company can help keep relationships healthy, says counsellor Angela Cotroneo, a member of Oncology Social Work Australia.
“When one person has cancer, both people in the relationship are usually under a lot of stress. It’s important to acknowledge that, and to know that having high levels of stress or anxiety is normal in this situation.
“You need to be very open in your communication with one another around this issue. Talking about how you’re feeling and how you’re coping is essential – but you don’t both have to cope the same way.
“Try to talk about difficult issues – such as hospitalisation or treatment side effects and how they could affect your relationship – in advance, while there’s still some normality in your routine. Leaving it until they happen can create unnecessary stress.
“And, while you can, you should keep doing the things together that you enjoy and make plenty of time for life outside cancer. Intimacy and togetherness are really important.
“While having cancer may feel like an experience that leaves little room for anything else, sharing enjoyable experiences can allow the person with cancer some respite. Happy experiences are also essential to healing or to just being able to maintain a positive attitude to the cancer journey, or to feel loved and supported through it.”
More help
Cancer Council Helpline 13 11 20 If you want to find a counsellor in your area who has experience in dealing with people living with cancer and their loved ones, call the Helpline.
Relationships Australia 1300 364 277 www.relationships.com.au Relationships Australia offers counselling and mediation for couples and families. Go to the website or call to find out how they can help you.
Relaxation for People with Cancer, Their Families and Carers www.cancercouncil.com.au If you feel that you need help relaxing and unwinding, think about doing some relaxation exercises. This set of relaxation exercises developed by Australian psychologist Dr Lisbeth Lane for the Cancer Council NSW can be accessed by going to the website and following the links to Patients, families and friends > Relaxation for people with cancer, their families and carers, or call the Cancer Council Helpline on 13 11 20 to order a free CD.
Photo by Randy Larcombe
KATHRYN CRISELL Kathryn Crisell was diagnosed with cervical cancer in 1997, and the diagnosis and treatment pushed her relationship to its limit.
After struggling on for a number of years she and her husband divorced. These days, Kathryn is a consumer voice for Cancer Australia, advocating for the availability of relationship counselling for cancer patients. She is also the marketing and communications manager for the Leukaemia Foundation.
Although Kathryn is cancer-free and lives a “full and happy life”, she has ongoing health problems due to severe radiotherapy damage. She says her son Tom, 15, is a fabulous support.
“When you’re diagnosed, your mind is so numb. You have massive chunks that don’t compute and you do need someone to help do some of the thinking. I was lucky I had my mum, dad and sisters.
“I was married and my son was two years old when I had treatment for cervical cancer. There were a lot of issues that were overlooked, both physical and emotional. Professional family support at that time would have been the way to go, but nothing was offered.
“There’s quite a big gap in the area of psycho-social and psycho-sexual support for cancer patients. You have to actively seek it out. And I don’t mean with a normal marriage counsellor. It has to be someone who actually knows about the treatment that you’re going through and the physical and emotional changes that are involved in cancer.
“My husband didn’t know how to deal with my illness at all. He would have been feeling stressed, but because he doesn’t communicate well he couldn’t share that with me. And because I was under so much stress myself, I couldn’t see it. Really it would have been good if someone professional could have stepped in and given him some support – to support me.
“For a long time after my treatment I harboured a lot of anger towards my husband. I kept feeling ‘you weren’t there when I needed you’ and it does eat away at the marriage. Maybe if we’d been given some help, things would have been better for both of us.”