Life with kids There’s nothing easy about talking to your child about cancer, whether they’re the patient or you are. Keep up the routines, the conversations, the optimism – and, of course, the love.
When a parent has cancer You may want to protect your child from your bad news, but kids can feel more anxious if they don’t know what’s going on.
Little steps for little kids Remember that little children may not have the skills to grasp the big picture. Just tell them what they need to know, when they need to know it. Reassure them that no-one is to blame for your cancer. And remember to explain that cancer isn’t something other people can catch.
Conversations with big kids Start by giving your child a small chunk of information and then see if they have any questions. Answer those questions as simply as you can. If you don’t know the answer, say so, and tell your child you’ll get an answer from someone who does – then make sure you report back. You can also learn more about what’s going on in your child’s mind by saying things like “That’s an interesting idea – what made you think about that?”.
When you’re looking bad Younger children may be very unsettled by changes to your appearance. They may start acting up, or be extra clingy. But overall, children will be reassured by your presence. Don’t hide away; instead make yourself a part of things as much as you can.
Time to help Older kids will feel valued if they’re allowed to get involved and show they care. Get them to help you with housework and cooking.
Understanding teenagers The teens in your family will be under special pressure. They’ll feel a need to contribute to the family at just the time in their lives when they’re trying to pull away from it. Be patient with them and when they do help out, acknowledge their contribution in the same way that you’d acknowledge the help of a friend or neighbour.
Go easy There will be times when you don’t express things as well as you’d like to and times when your children’s reactions may upset you. Don’t expect things to be perfect every time. Your children will also have concerns about what difference your cancer is going to make to their own lives. Encourage them to share those feelings with you or another supportive adult.
When a child has cancer Looking after a child with cancer can be more stressful and emotionally painful than going through cancer yourself.
Keep the show on the road Let your child know they’re still the same person they were before they had a cancer diagnosis. Stick to established routines for little kids and encourage older children to keep up sports and hobbies.
Getting away from it all Children with cancer need to be able to forget about their health from time to time. For little kids that will mean playdates and outings. For bigger kids and teens, it could also include time away from the family in the company of friends. Getting a child involved with a new activity also helps distract them from their illness and gives them something to look forward to.
Looking for the good In the evening, sit with your child, think back on the day together and make a list of the best three things that happened to you both. This simple ritual can help you and your child to stay optimistic.
Encourage exercise Your child may be more responsive to treatment if they’re feeling fit and motivated, so back their efforts to get physical activity.
Talk it out Both you and your child may benefit from talking to someone outside the family. Organisations including CanTeen and the Kids Helpline offer phone counselling. Teens may feel more comfortable sharing their feelings with their peers than with you or other adults. They may find the support they need through groups and social networking sites set up specifically for teenagers with cancer. For contacts, see “More help” below.
Expert's insight: Petrea King Young children dealing with cancer need to feel emotionally connected to everyone they love. Petrea King, founder of the Quest for Life Foundation suggests using a “rainbow meditation”.
“When a child is ready for sleep, ask them to snuggle down so you can wrap them up in a rainbow. Ask the child to close their eyes so that they can imagine better.
“Running your hand lightly from the top of their head to the tips of their toes, ask the child to imagine you’re wrapping them up in a cloud of red – the colour of tomatoes and fire engines.
“Next, still running your hand lightly over their body, ask the child to imagine that you’re wrapping them up in a cloud of orange – the colour of oranges, marigolds and nasturtiums.
“Next, you wrap them in a cloud of yellow – the colour of wattle, daffodils and golden warm sunshine on a bright sunny day.
“Continue through green, blue, indigo and violet. Finally, place your hand over the child’s heart and ask them to visualise as strongly as they can a rainbow that starts in their heart and comes out through the air and connects with your heart, as you move your hand to your heart. Tell the child that this rainbow keeps the two of you connected all through the night.”
Expert's insight: Dr Cynthia Holland Dr Cynthia Holland, from The Royal Women’s Hospital in Melbourne, says a cancer diagnosis affects entire families.
“Children need to be told what’s going on, to understand what cancer is and how it is treated. When you’re frightened, it can feel difficult to provide support to children. But it’s terribly important to keep that open, trusted, emotional communication alive.
“A little child once said to me, ‘They didn’t tell me because I was small.’ Children intuit change – not necessarily all the ins and outs of a parent’s illness, but feelings, changes occurring to special people and places.
“The method of communication all depends on a child’s age. For a small child, language needs to be real but positive. Explain that sickness can happen to anyone. Our bodies are wonderful, but they are like a car. Sometimes they break down and we have to go to hospital to try to get better. Then we’ll be together again at home in a couple of sleeps.”
More help
Camp Quality www.campquality.org.au Runs family camps, kids’ camps, camps for older teens, fun days, parent retreats and more.
CanTeen 1800 CAN TEEN (1800 226 833) www.canteen.org.au Has counselling and information for people aged 12 to 24 who are living with cancer.
Redkite 1300 722 644 (counselling) 1800 334 771 (general inquiries) www.redkite.org.au Practical support for children with cancer and their families.
Photo by Pip Blackwood
JULIE AND JACQUES PACIFIQUE When 13-year-old Jacques was diagnosed with cancer in 2010 his mum, Julie Pacifique, and the entire family pulled together to beat the disease.
With Jacques suffering from headaches, fevers and a lack of energy, Julie had at first suspected glandular fever. But it was acute lymphoblastic leukaemia (ALL), a cancer that affects the bone and blood marrow.
Julie’s family – including husband Michel and daughters Lucienne and Estelle – closed ranks and fought the illness like a well-drilled army regiment. Jacques has now completed his intensive treatment and the family is waiting for the medical all-clear.
“We’re a pretty solid unit, our family. It’s basically the five of us and, right from the start, we said we’re going to fight this. We tried to keep things as normal as possible.
“When Jacques came home he was on steroids: puffy and grey. He looked horrible. He came out of his room and asked me to make his bed. I said, ‘I thought you had cancer, I didn’t realise you had two broken arms.’ It may sound a bit harsh now, but I didn’t want to treat him any differently than the girls.
“We’re so thankful to family and friends who have supported us. When Jacques started losing his hair, his best mate Jordan said, ‘As long as you don’t have hair, I won’t have hair.’ He then got his head shaved.
“Jacques has his big bone marrow test coming up. That’s where we find out if the cancer is gone, and everything revolves around this date. If you scratch my skin, it’s always there, always under the layer. It is constant, it consumes you. You feel like when you’re talking to someone, your conversation comes back to the cancer all the time.
“Jacques is a great kid. He’s one of my best friends and we can talk about anything. Cancer doesn’t discriminate, but he’s never once complained. So many people have said to me they’re inspired by Jacques and his strength. He’s my hero.”
